the fear of being seen (but then realising that i kind love being seen) pt. 2

part 2 of my essay, teenage fears and attempting to get over them

It doesn’t take much to come into your own; all it takes is someone’s gaze. It’s not totally accurate to say that I felt seen. It was more that: Beheld by her, I learned how to become myself. Her interest actualized me.

— Ling Ma, Bliss Montage

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i don't know when this thing of mine began— me being utterly obsessed with the idea of being perceived the way i want to, whether that be by my friends, my family, my colleagues, even by actual strangers that probably don't even bother to glance in my way... it does not matter.

in their eyes, i want to be perfect; the person i know i can become, only i am not feeling her. that version of me is so far away from me. often days i can hardly grasp that image, still in the back of my mind, to my future. even so, she's so livid, brimming with life. especially now, during the late night of this stormy wednesday.

in a way, i let myself be her, for a little while. and let me tell you— it feels absolutely fantastic.

i have many bad days, which is a weird thing for me to straight up admit it. but it is very true. ever since i was young, i had a thing for being disciplined in everything, wanted to be the perfect child and the pride and glory of my parents. but i'm failing terribly.

they don't know me anymore. nobody does, the way i want them to.

despite the struggles in my teenage years, which i'm sure everyone experiences when they're young in their own manner, i know i am a good person. i can be kind and forgiving even to the people that have wronged, bullied and treated me like a mere thing they reached out to only when needed; but that's how far my love for the world goes.

but it is not a pleasant feeling to be called only when someone needs something from me. i cannot even remember the last time someone reached out to me just because they wanted to have a conversation or hang out. like normal people.

i don't even know what normal is anymore. the course of my life changed so suddenly to a kind of maturity that it is hard to loosen up from. i feel like time is running out, but the clock didn't even start. i'm so young, what is wrong with me? other teenagers my age are most likely out clubbing and having the time of their lives, while i sit in bed contemplating everything that's ever happened like it's my last day on earth.

but still, i've been hopeful, and we should all be, whether that be about our goals in life, our future, the deepest passions of the soul, art, love and everything in between that is real and speaks to us, helps us grow wings.

i still am. i still wish for a better life, a better friend group, a better environment and a better love, and about a thousand other things, which if i let myself admit them on here, they will expose the softest parts of my heart, and i'm not ready for that.

i still hope to have more confidence, not so much of this self doubt i live through almost every day. i want to just write and write and write forever, nonstop, without the pressure of it turning out perfect, or even be known by a large public — because that's terrifying for me.

one day, it will come out naturally, for me, and for you. the road towards getting there is a beautiful experience.

thank you so much for reading <3 hope you have a great day/night! 💓💓